


A Very Hard Sale

by Tish



Category: Are You Being Served?, Sapphire and Steel
Genre: Crack, Gen, Obscure and British Commentfest, Prompt Fill, Suit Porn, knickers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-07 23:13:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6829195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tish/pseuds/Tish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's something decidedly <i>odd</i> about the Grace Bros. Ladies and Gents' clothing department. Sapphire and Steel investigate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Hard Sale

**Author's Note:**

> From spikesgirl58's delicious prompt: Steel + Mr. Humphries, a very hard sale.

~~~Steel, I'm detecting an ethereal presence, there's definitely something odd about this place.~~~  
Sapphire walked slowly around the floor of the department store, scanning the shoppers and staff, listening intently to something unknown. ~~~Time early 1970s. Building mid 19th century, refurbished in the '20s, then further in the '50s.~~~

 

Steel listened from the other side of the shop floor, one hand hovering just above the fabric of a steel grey suit.

“Ohhh, very nice.”

Steel turned at the sound and regarded the man carefully. “Excuse me?”

The silver-haired man had quickly lifted his gaze from Steel's arse and smiled a gap-tooth smile at him. “I'm Mr. Humphries, gentlemen's outfitters. That suit is a very fine choice, sir. Now, we have it in various shades, but The Steel would be particularly suited to your colouring. The wool is the finest and the softest, just feel that. Lovely isn't it? Just like cuddling a sheep!”

Steel began to reply, “I'm not interested in-”

Mr Humphries was in front of him in a flash, a yellow tape measure snaking around Steel's waist. “Now, we'll just take some measurements. My goodness, you do take good care of yourself.” Mr. Humphries beamed as he drew in the tape measure to a snug fit. “Shoulders next. I'll bet you look just as good in shirtsleeves, too. Sir, if I may say so, that tie is divine, we also have an extensive collection that is sure to meet your approval.”

Steel frowned as the man moved quickly behind him. Normally, he'd be able to simply glare at trifling problems like this human until they backed away slowly, leaving him to focus on more important issues, but somehow he was unable to. He attempted to protest again, “I'm not here for-”

“For long? Quick shopping trip during your lunch hour? Oh, it won't take very long. One last measurement, sir.”

 

In the midst of a riot of lingerie, Sapphire posed before a mirror, fully aware of the maintenance man watching her surreptitiously as he fiddled with a mannequin's arm. She smiled and held up a pair of red, lacy knickers, grinning even more as the mannequin toppled over onto the floor, leaving the man flailing about with the dummy's disembodied arms. She turned slightly and spoke into the mirror, “I'd offer you a hand, Mr. Mash, but you already seem to have a few extra.”

Mr. Mash winked back at her and collected the mannequin, scurrying away as Captain Peacock walked imperiously by.

 

From across the room, Sapphire suddenly sensed a distinct ~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~~

Sapphire flashed across the room, preparing to assist Steel out of whatever trap he'd walked into. ~~~Steel?~~~

Sapphire took in the scene. Steel was unharmed, but he had a look of distinct alarm on his face. He looked down, perplexed, and Sapphire followed his gaze. Kneeling before Steel, Mr. Humphries removed the tape measure and jotted down a number, muttering happily to himself. “Inside leg, 29 inches.”

 

They never did solve the mystery, but a mystified Steel did end up leaving with 3 rather decent suits. To the end of time, Sapphire could never get an answer _why_.


End file.
